NFL Power Rankings Week 4

My lovely girlfriend drove up with me this weekend to see me off back to school in Oregon and how did I repay her? By watching football, more football, football video games and then even more football. I actually feel kind of bad, considering she is not a football fan. Let’s just say, when I said the Cowboys are playing on Monday Night Football, she asked me, “Who are the Cowboys?”

But don’t you worry; I made it up to her. And now I’ll make it up to you by delivering the funniest, most informative NFL Power Rankings you will read all week (as long as it’s the only one).

Truer words have never been spoken

Truer words have never been spoken

32 (32) – Rams – The only thing more depressing than the Rams season is the latest episode of Entourage. Turtle got dumped, Drama had a heart attack, and E had an STD scare. Who wrote this, Joseph Merrick?

31 (31) – Browns – Take a look at Cleveland’s team stat leaders. Brady Quinn has 400 yards, Jamal Lewis has 95, and Braylon Edwards has 139. Those would only be mildly impressive for one game. Somewhere Matthew Berry is crying.

30 (30) – Chiefs – There’s a legitimate chance that Kansas City won’t get a win until week 9. They play the Giants, Cowboys, at Washington, and San Diego.  On the bright side, kicker Ryan Succop is perfect so far on the season.

29 (28) – Buccaneers – Does Raheem Morris really think Josh Johnson is the answer to his team’s offensive woes? I mean, he’s not even the best Josh Johnson in the state of Florida.

28 (25) – Raiders – The only reasons JaMarcus Russell is still starting are Charlie Frye and Bruce Gradkowski. Is the QB from “Glee” available?

27 (29) – Lions – Detroit Fans celebrated the victory like it was 1999. Unfortunately, they won’t be doing it again for a while as they face Chicago, Pittsburgh and Green Bay the next three weeks.

26 (24) – Panthers – This messed me up last night: the Jake Delhomme drinking game. Take a shot every turnover or three and out. Man, that second half was a killer.

25 (26) – Dolphins – Forget Chad Henne, play Pat White! Yes, you might not be very good, but you wouldn’t be anyway, and you’d instantly have the most exciting quarterback since pre-prison Michael Vick.

24 (20) – Redskins – First in free agency, last in the NFC East. After back-to-back pathetic performances against two of the worst teams in the league, the Lions and Rams, Washington gets a chance to play three more winless teams in row. This could get ugly.

23 (22) – Seahawks – So much for being the sexy sleeper pick in the NFC West. Seneca Wallace looked absolutely terrified that the game came down to him leading a two-minute drill against one of the NFL’s toughest D’s.

22 (21) – Bills – One week after getting his first touchdown for Toronto, T.O. get’s another first: his first game without a reception in 185 contests. Good news though, “Beast Mode” comes back next week.

21 (22) – Jaguars – Even with the win, my buddy Alon has finally come to the conclusion that Jacksonville sucks right now. Good for him.

20 (16) – Cardinals – After losing to the Steelers last February, Arizona is suffering a Super Bowl hangover worse than if Courtney Love and Artie Lang had a cocaine-infused love child and then 19 years later sent it off to college at Arizona State.

19 (17) – Texans – The offense has finally found its groove behind Matt Schaub, but the defense is giving up a league high 436 yards per game. It should be fun on Sunday to see who can suck more, JaMarcus Russell or Houston’s defense.

18 (18) – Titans – I wonder how quickly Kerry Collins could down a 6-pack. 3 minutes? 5, tops?

Legendary

Legendary

17 (23) – Bengals – They’re a fluke catch from a white wide receiver away from  being 3-0. And I had them at number 32 in the preseason. I’m still not buying it 100%, but I owe Cincinnati an apology.

16 (19) – Broncos – I know they haven’t played anybody yet, but after all that has been said about how terrible their defense would be, it’s pretty impressive that they’ve allowed only 16 points in three games.  Unfortunately, there’s a pretty realistic chance they will be 4-6 after week 12. The upcoming schedule is brutal.

15 (14) – Cowboys – Did what they were supposed to do against the rotting corpse of Jake Delhomme. Don’t be impressed.

14 (13) – Bears – Hey Chicago, it feels pretty good to finally have a real quarterback, doesn’t it?  Although it was fun to see Jay Mariotti complain about Kyle Orton and Rex Grossman on Around the Horn.

13 (6) – Steelers – I know the loss of Troy Polamalu hurts, but come on, the Bengals, really? Give the man a Coke Zero, and get him back out onto the field.

12 (12) – 49ers – I’m sold. Going into Minnesota and giving the Vikings all they could handle was impressive. And even more importantly, Vernon Davis finally flashed the potential that made him the NFL’s highest paid tight end in 2006. With Frank Gore out for three weeks, this is Davis’ chance to really step up and carry the offense.

11 (7) – Falcons – Tim Hightower, Kevin Smith and pothead Ricky Williams are all ahead of Michael Turner in fantasy points this season. This makes me smile.

10 (15) – Packers – I wonder how many hours this week ESPN will spend hyping up Brett Favre’s first game against Green Bay. How many hours are there till Sunday? Yea, that many.

9 (9) – Eagles – Michael Vick said after the game that his return to the field (and two incomplete passes) was a top three moment in his career. I’m guessing he’s not counting his dog-fighting career. What, too soon?

8 (8) – Chargers

Ron Burgundy: Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which of course in German means a whale’s vagina.
Veronica Corningstone: No, there’s no way that’s correct.
Ron Burgundy: I’m sorry, I was trying to impress you. I don’t know what it means. I’ll be honest, I don’t think anyone knows what it means anymore. Scholars maintain that the translation was lost hundreds of years ago.
Veronica Corningstone: Doesn’t it mean Saint Diego?
Ron Burgundy: No. No.
Veronica Corningstone: No, that’s – that’s what it means. Really.
Ron Burgundy: Agree to disagree.

Is any of that football related? No, I just thought it was funny.

7 (11) – Jets – Mark Sanchez is the first rookie quarterback to ever start 3-0. Of all the quarterbacks in NFL history, Mark Frikkin’ Dirty Sanchez. I am an Oregon fan, remember?

6 (10) – Colts – Arizona might not have the most impressive defense, but what Peyton Manning did on Sunday was pretty damn impressive. You can give them the previously and perennially overrated AFC South right now.

This Ravens team is hungry. I wonder how Big Ben's uniform tastes.

This Ravens team is hungry. I wonder how Big Ben's uniform tastes.

5 (5) – Patriots – Now that’s more like it. Without Wes Welker, Tom Brady and New England outclassed Atlanta in every facet of the game. Even grandpa Fred Taylor had over 100 yards and a touchdown.

4 (4) – Giants – The G-men held the always dangerous Tampa Bay offense (ha) to just 86 total net yards. That’s almost as bad as Keanu Reeves’s performance in “Much Ado About Nothing.” Keanu doing Shakespeare? Uckkkk.

3 (3) – Saints – New Orleans blew out the Bills despite a human performance from Drew Brees, by running the football and playing solid defense. That’s frightening.

2 (1) – Vikings – Only Brett Favre would command a career highlight reel during a football game he wasn’t playing in. I almost gagged.

1 (2) – Ravens – This Ravens team is scarier that Keifer Sutherland’s voice in Phone Booth. That still gives me the chills just thinking about it.

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NFL Power Rankings

Time for the Sports Dude to do some actual analysis. With the NFL season right around the corner, it’s time for everybody’s favorite: the Power Rankings. With pre-season hope still riding high for every team, except possibly the Raiders and the Bengals, one could make the case for any team to top the list, but this is just one simple blogger’s point of a view (albeit a knowledgeable, yet overly-confident college student).

chadAs always, there’s the chance these rankings could very well end up being completely meaningless, but I’m just going to disregard that because at least for right now, I’m 100% not wrong.

Along with my prediction for each team, you’ll get one fantasy player who will exceed expectations (completely free of charge!) How about them apples?

32 – Bengals – What do you get when you put together an already bad NFL team, a publicity stunt appearance on “Hard Knocks,” and a player who legally changed his name to a grammatically incorrect spelling of his jersey number in Spanish? Answer: an even worse NFL team. I pity Bengals fans this season.

Prediction: 3-13.

Fantasy player to watch: Cedric Benson – After never living up to expectations in Chicago, the former number four overall pick quietly had a nice run as the starter last year; could flourish in full-time gig.

31 – Lions – I like what Jim Schwartz brings to the Lions and I guarantee that they will win more games this year than they did last year, although I don’t think it will be by much. Matthew Stafford will be a good NFL quarterback, but not this year. Rookie quarterbacks are almost never successful, especially when they are thrown into bad situations.

Prediction: 3-13.

Fantasy player to watch: Brandon Pettigrew – With Calvin Johnson sure to draw double and triple teams, look for Stafford to use Pettigrew as his security blanket a lot this season.

30 – Rams – Marc Bulger has been awful the past two years, and that was when he had Torry Holt as a go-to receiver. Who is he going to throw to now, Randy McMichael?

Prediction: 4-12.

Fantasy player to watch: Steven Jackson – Is there a single player more important to his team’s offense than him this year? Jackson will get plenty of touches, health is the key.

29 – Browns – Will finally hand starting gig to Brady Quinn. Unfortunately, that means they will have to take their lumps as Quinn learns on the job. I do like what Mangini will bring to the defense, but it’ll take him more than one year to turn things around.

Prediction: 4-12.

Fantasy player to watch: Braylon Edwards – Let’s just say I was visibly angry when my buddy Alon grabbed him right one spot ahead of me in the draft. Could be a top-5 receiver this year at a 6th round value.

28 – Raiders – Until Al Davis goes away, the Raiders will continue dwell in mediocrity (or worse), but there are some exciting pieces to work with. Darren McFadden, Justin Fargess and Michael Bush form a legitimate three-headed monster of a backfield that will take pressure off of developing quarterback JaMarcus Russell, but until someone steps up to help All-Pro CB Nnamdi Asomugha, the sieve-like run defense will be their undoing.

Prediction: 5-11.

sp_raiders_bengals_f04Fantasy player to watch: Darren McFadden – As talented as Adrian Peterson, just needs the help in the trenches; could emerge as a fantasy stud this year. Keep an eye on Zach Miller as well.

27 – Chiefs – Not sold on Matt Cassel outside of New England. When you trade Randy Moss, Wes Welker and a top-5 O-line for Dwayne Bowe, Mark Bradley and the rotting corpse of Larry Johnson, you unquestionably take a step back. Heck, give me Moss and Welker and I could put up 3,000 yards.

Prediction: 5-11

Fantasy player to watch: Dwayne Bowe – A near lock for 1,000 yards and 6 touchdowns. Not sexy, but he will produce.

26 – Buccaneers – Let me get this straight, Byron Leftwich is the starting quarterback? Really? This is the same team that stockpiled like five quarterbacks two years ago. What happened?  Washed up quarterback, new offensive scheme and a defensive-minded head coach. Without even knowing the number, I’ll take the under on every single of their games this season.

Prediction: 6-10

Fantasy player to watch: Kellen Winslow Jr – Over 1,100 yards in 2007 and then crashed with the rest of the Browns in ’08. I feel a major comeback with the change of scenery this season.

25 – Jets – They have the same issue as the Lions: starting a rookie QB. Difference is, Mark Sanchez only had one full season under center in college. Is he talented? Yea, no doubt. Would Kellen Clemens be any better? Probably not. But remember, there have only been three quarterbacks to lead their team to at least seven wins in their rookie season: Dan Marino, Kerry Collins and Matt Ryan (as multiple readers have pointed out, Big Ben and Joe Flacco have done so as well, my mistake).

Prediction: 6-10

Fantasy player to watch: Defense/ST – Even though Pod Vader from the Fantasy Focus on ESPN isn’t a fan, I think defensive mastermind Rex Ryan will implement a run-first scheme that will keep the defense rested and off the field, and the scoring low.

24 – Seahawks – Quickly becoming a media darling in the putrid NFC West. I wish former-Oregon Duck Max Unger all the best, but I just don’t see it.

Prediction: 6-10

Fantasy player to watch: Matt Hasselbeck – With his receivers healthy again, I could see the gritty Hasselbeck re-emerge as a premier QB in the NFC.

23 – Jaguars – Unfortunately they play in the toughest division in football, and even more unfortunately, three of their first four games are against the AFC South. The other game? The NFC champions Arizona Cardinals. Quite possibly could start the year 0-4.

Prediction 6-10

Fatntasy player to watch: Torry Holt – Had 8 straight 1,000 yard season before the Rams fell apart last year. May be getting older, but the crafty veteran will be the favorite target of surprisingly effective David Garrard.

22 – Dolphins – They had a magical Cinderella season last year, but with the inevitable year-after curse and an off-season for teams to figure out the Wildcat, the Dolphins will come crashing back to earth. Of course, with Parcell’s running the ship, there’s always a chance Miami will jump the Bills and have a shot at the Wild Card come December.

Prediction: 7-9

Fantasy player to watch: Anthony Fasano – Fasano was a favorite red-zone target of Chad Pennington last season, totally seven touchdowns. Fasano should see an increased workload between the 20’s this year as well.

Come back tomorrow for teams 21 through 11.

If you have a disagreement with any of my rankings, please feel free to make your argument in the comments!