Week Nine NFL Power Rankings: Saints Brees Their Way to the Top

Read on to see who won the Simple Jack Award this week.

Read on to see who won the Simple Jack Award this week.

So, basically, what I learned this weekend is that the NFL cannot compare to college football. Not a great hook to keep you NFL fans reading, right?

Well the two would be a lot closer if I didn’t wake up Sunday to the biggest horror story in the history of our planet Earth.

No, I didn’t have a skull-rattling hangover. No, my legs weren’t sore from jumping over the 20-foot fence onto the field Saturday night. And no, no douche-bag teenagers smashed our pumpkins or egged my house.

Why was Sunday so bad? The last several weeks, the NFL Red Zone channel, God’s greatest creation, had been mysteriously been working. In HD.  At first, I thought it was just a one week trial.

But come the next Sunday it was still there. And then the next one. And then another. Seven straight Sundays! I thought my Guardian Angel was watching over me.

So when I woke up, albeit at 1:30 PM, I expected to walk to my living room, check my fantasy team, and turn on the Red Zone Channel. In HD. But that did not happen. Instead, a simple “channel not authorized” messaged displayed on the screen.

You know in movies, when a character screams and they zoom out attempting to show that the entire world can hear his cries (eg: Eurotrip , when Scotty wakes up after the party)? Well, that was me, except not as loud, or silent. I don’t remember. I was too angry.

On to the rankings.
32 (31) – Buccaneers

It was a bad week for Tampa—and they didn’t even play. First they get called out by Tatum Bell of the UFL’s Florida Tuskers, who said they would beat the Bucs “handily,” and then they see the only other remaining winless teams pick up their first victories.

I wonder it Bell knows that his quarterback, Craig Nall, is most famous for being Brett Favre’s backup. The only time he ever played was in Madden . But they probably still could beat Tampa.

31 (30) – Browns

Cleveland once again got demolished. And to rub salt in the wound, has-been running back Jamal Lewis said he plans to retire after the season. What will Browns ever do to replace their overweight, slow, injured, and flat out not good running back?

30 (32) – Rams

Isn’t it kind of sad that the Rams poured the Gatorade cooler on Steve Spagnuolo after getting their first win in Week Eight? They must have really thought they weren’t going to win again the rest of the way. And by the way, shouldn’t there be some sort of rule that you can’t pour Gatorade on your coach unless you win something of importance? Beating the Lions in November doesn’t really qualify.

29 (29) – Chiefs

I can only imagine what Larry Johnson’s apology would sound like: “I apologize for using the term ‘f-g.’ I intended to use ‘f-ggot’, but Twitter has a character limit.”

28 (26) – Lions

Back to our good friend, ESPN’s Jeffri Chadiha, for an update on what the loss to the Rams means for Detroit: “A loss to St. Louis is a step in the wrong direction.”  And now here’s Ollie Williams with the black-u-weather forecast…

27 (28) – Raiders

The only thing sadder than JaMarcus Russell’s performance (109 yards, no TDs, an INT, and five sacks) is that after the game he told reporters he thought he “played pretty good.” If that’s good, then what was he expecting?

26 (24) – Redskins

No point preparing for what will surely be a loss in Atlanta, so Sherm Lewis rounded up his Hogs and headed out to the old folk’s home for a scintillating week of Bingo. I’ve heard there are quite a few prestigious Bingo tournaments in the DC area.

25 (27) – Titans

This Sunday will be a highly anticipated matchup of two former top-three overall picks who sucked for years before getting benched but then got the starting job handed back to them become the replacement sucked even worse: Alex Smith vs. Vince Young. Now here’s a story to tell your grandchildren.

24 (25) – Panthers

I could have sworn that I saw Kurt Warner and Jake Delhomme switch uniforms before kickoff.

23 (23) – Seahawks

I’m still debating with clip is funnier, the Coor’s light version of Jim Mora’s “playoffs” rant of the real press conference . I wonder if the junior Jim Mora ever shows either to his team for comic relief.

22 (22) – Bills

There goes Ryan Fitzpatrick’s five-game winning streak as a starter.

21 (21) – Jaguars

The only thing tougher than getting the Jaguars to play good football will be for Jacksonville to avoid a blackout against the Chiefs. This could be a long week for the marketing department.

20 (20) – Dolphins

Here’s ESPN’s Michael Clayton trying to be funny: “After a week in which Ted Ginn was grim, his two kickoff returns for touchdowns have Dolphins fans wearing grins.” Cute, Michael, very cute.

19 (17) – Jets

Hey Rex Ryan, never go full retard.

18 (18) – 49ers

Finally the 49ers are showing signs of being a good football team. The bad news? They still lost and are now 3-4. The good news? They are in the NFC West, and are only one game back because the Cardinals lost to Jake Delhomme’s Panthers.

17 (13) – Cardinals

The only thing more embarrassing than Kurt Warner’s five interceptions is that they didn’t even pick off Jake Delhomme once. I mean, how hard can it be? Even Tampa Bay picked him off twice.

16 (19) – Bears

Three of their four wins have come against Seattle, Detroit and Cleveland. Not a good sign when they still have to play contenders in seven of their next nine games.

15 (15) – Chargers

Fox Sports’ Adrian Hasenmayer actually writes good team summaries. Read and learn, ESPN: “It was kind of like “Old Timers’ Day” for the Chargers last week, with LT scoring twice (just TDs No. 2 and 3 for him this season) and Shawne Merriman notching his first two sacks of 2009.”


14 (16) – Texans

This is the first time in the history of the Texans that they are two games over .500. It really is too bad they have to play at Indy next week.

13 (7) – Giants

Eli, don’t try to be a tough guy and play through the injury. Be the pussycat you are, sit out a few weeks, and then go back to be the same old overpaid, overrated, mediocre quarterback you usually are.

12 (12) – Falcons

If only Michael Turner and Matt Ryan could show up at the same time. Just as Turner has finally started to get hot, Ryan is now ice cold. And Ryan’s stat line would have looked much worse if it weren’t for Roddy White’s manhandling of Jabari Greer for a 68-yard touchdown.

11 (11) – Packers

Aaron Rodgers is like a Bugatti Veyron on the Pacific Coast Highway at 4:30 on a Friday afternoon: absolutely worthless.

10 (14) – Cowboys

Don’t look now but Tony Romo is on pace for 4,400 yards and a 26:8 touchdown to interception ratio.

9 (10) – Eagles

I guess Philadelphia was a little angry about losing to the Raiders last week. I couldn’t be happier that they took it out on Eli and the Giants.

8 (8) – Bengals

Best athlete tweet of the week goes to (who else?) Chad Ochocinco: “@BritneySpears Britney are you still looking for a back up dancer, there might be a lockout in 2011, my number is the same, call me.”

7 (6) – Steelers

Huge game at Denver this Sunday. This contest will go a long way in deciding the AFC hierarchy for the rest of the season.


6 (9) – Ravens

And Jeffri Chadiha is back, this time with the “stating the obvious” quote of the week: “They’re celebrating a big victory over Denver, breaking a three-game losing streak.” Oh my god, I had no idea!


5 (4) – Broncos

That was Kyle Orton’s first game all season under 10 fantasy points. Seriously. Kyle Orton.

4 (5) – Patriots

Bill Belichick’s eyes must have lit up like Christmas lights when he found this out: The Patriots are the only team in the league with each of the NFL’s remaining two undefeated teams left on its schedule. I think they take down at least one.

3 (3) – Vikings

John Madden must have had a three-hour long boner from watching Brett Favre play on Sunday. Who needs Viagra when you have Brett Favre? John Madden, that’s for sure.

2 (2) – Colts

The more I think about it the more this Colts team reminds me of the 2007 Patriots. And I don’t like it. The only that comforts me is that Indy’s competition is right up there with the Big Ten’s non-conference schedule. I can’t wait for Colts-Patriots in two weeks.

1 (1) – Saints

New Orleans doesn’t play another team with a winning record until a monster Monday Night showdown against the Patriots in Week 12. Why do I relate everything back to the Patriots? That Tom Brady sure is a good-looking guy. And he’s from San Mateo.

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Week Seven NFL Power Rankings: The Saints Go Marching On

Another week down and another crazy shake-up in the rankings. The Bears and 49ers faced reality checks, and I finally gave the Bengals the ounce of credibility they deserve. Due to midterms, I’m keeping the intro short and sweet this week.

Raiders Draft Football

Get used to that seat, JaMarcus. You'll be keeping it warm for a while.

On to the rankings.

32 (32) – Rams:
Poor, poor Steven Jackson. 143 rushing attempts on the season and still no touchdowns. Somebody give this man a hug.

31 (31) – Buccaneers:
Tampa Bay can now say they suck in two countries, which is probably more exciting than watching Josh Johnson try to throw a football.

30 (29) – Browns:
In his five games since taking over for the disgraced Brady Quinn, Derek Anderson has posted QB ratings of 30.9, 68.8, 15.1, 51.0, and 36.4. With a completion percentage of 44. Did Quinn beat up the GM? What does he have to do to get back on the field?

29 (27) – Chiefs:
On the bright side, that was an amazing touchdown catch by Dwayne Bowe. Unfortunately, it was their only one.

28 (25) – Raiders:
Andre Ware, Akili Smith, Ryan Leaf, Rick Mirer, Cade McNown, Jim Drunkenmiller, Todd Marinovich, Joey Harrington, David Carr, JaMarcus Russell. Not a good list to be on.

27 (29) – Titans:
Best PR move of the week goes to Jeff Fischer wearing a Peyton Manning jersey to a charity event: “I just want to feel like a winner.” Classic.

26 (28) – Lions:
Cancel your plans and clear your schedules for this Sunday. You don’t want to pick up the in-laws from the airport anyway. Why? St. Louis comes to town. I can barely wait.

25 (22) – Panthers:
Jake Delhomme’s three interception performance on Sunday actually raised his QB rating for the year. Sad. Hey John Fox, Delhomme sucks, your backups are worse, and you have two of the best running backs in the NFL, don’t you think it’s time to try the wildcat? There couldn’t be a better situation.

24 (26) – Redskins:
“I had to go to the senior center and cancel my bingo calling,” said the 67-year-old Sherm Lewis, who last worked in the NFL with the Detroit Lions during the 2004 season. “And I had to cancel my Meals on Wheels today.” This team is a joke. Need I say more?

23 (23) – Seahawks:
Has there been a team more decimated by injuries in any sports the last two years? Other than the New York Mets this year, I can’t think of any. Brutal. I actually kind of feel bad for them, except for when they play the Niners.

22 (24) – Bills:
Did you know Ryan Fitzpatrick has won his last five starts? Me either. Unfortunately, I don’t think that stat alone is going to make Terrell Owens feel any better. Oh well, T.O. is probably working on his next reality show anyway.

21 (21) – Jaguars:
Jacksonville plays the Titans and Chiefs in the next two weeks, teams with a combined 1-12 record. Can you imagine the Jaguars as a 5-3 team? Even if it happened, it would just be a façade because four of their five wins would be against teams with a combined one win (Rams, Chiefs, Titans twice).

20 (20) – Dolphins:
If you’re going to blow a 24-3 lead at home, it might as well be to the Saints. In fantasy news, is it time to take Ricky Williams seriously as a legitimate starting running back? I think it might be.

19 (11) – Bears:
ESPN seriously can’t find somebody better than Jeffri Chadiha to do their NFL Power Rankings. Here’s his weekly gem: “The Bears are 1-3 on the road this season. That doesn’t bode well for their future.” I appreciate all the hard work and analysis you put into that one, buddy.

18 (10) – 49ers:
You know things are bad in San Francisco when Mike Singletary turns to Alex Smith to be the savior. At least Vernon Davis and Michael Crabtree are fun to watch.

17 (19) – Jets:
ESPN’s Michael Clayton: “Mark Sanchez showed great hot-dog security in not fumbling the dog he ate in the second half of the win over the Raiders on Sunday.” Take it down a notch, cowboy, you’re trying too hard.

16 (18) – Texans:
Gun to your head, who has the most passing yards and TDs in the NFL? 99% of people would guess Peyton Manning. And 99% of people would be wrong. The answer? Matt Schaub.

15 (13) – Chargers:
San Diego’s wins are against Oakland, Miami and Kansas City. Their losses are against Baltimore, Pittsburgh and Denver. Just beat one good team and I’ll believe in you, that’s not too much to ask for, right?

14 (17) – Cowboys:
Miles Austin, the undrafted wide received out of Monmouth, is the sole reason the Cowboys have a winning record. He already has almost double the entire yardage from the first three years of his career. Not too shabby.

13 (16) – Cardinals:
Arizona plays Carolina, Chicago, Seattle, St. Louis and Tennessee in the next five weeks. There’s a legitimate chance the Cards could be 9-2 heading into a crucial week 13 matchup against Minnesota.

12 (9) – Falcons:
Hey Matthew Berry, Michael Turner’s looking pretty good, huh? He’s currently ranked 11th behind Ricky Williams, and even Fred Jackson has over 150 more total yards.

11 (14) – Packers:
Green Bay went an entire game without giving up a sack. Definitely good news, but it would be a little more convincing if they weren’t playing the Lions.

10 (12) – Eagles:
Philadelphia actually got outgained by the Redskins. Good thing Andy Reid bought the Costco pack of Butterfingers so he could afford to give one to Antwaan Randle El.

9 (9) – Ravens:
In contrast with recent history, Baltimore has the third highest scoring offense in the AFC and sixth in the NFL, thanks to the emergences of Joe Flacco and Ray Rice. But Denver will provide a huge test this week. A loss would put them at 3-4, with two games still looming against Pittsburgh.

8 (15) – Bengals:
Ok, a 35-point blowout of a playoff-caliber team does a little bit to convince me that Cincinnati is for real.  I still can’t believe Cedric Benson is the NFL’s leading rusher.

7 (6) – Giants:
I’ve been waiting all season to say this: Hey Eli Manning, never go full retard.

I have unhealthy man love for Drew Brees. 6 (7) – Steelers:
That Lamar Woodley fumble recovery was eerily reminiscent to the one a few years ago against the Colts in the playoffs.

5 (5) – Patriots:

I really want to believe the 2007 Patriots are back, but until they do it to a team with a win, I can’t believe it. At Indy in two weeks will be a telling game.
4 (5) – Broncos:
If Denver beats Baltimore this Sunday, you can just go ahead and give him the Coach of the Year Award on the field after the game.

3 (1) – Vikings:
Brett Favre looked a lot more like the Brett Favre of recent memory than the one from the first six games this season. Maybe he forgot he has the best running back in the NFL in his backfield. Speaking of Adrian Peterson, that was one of the best hits I have seen this season.

2 (3) – Colts:
I’m scared that the Colts are going to absolutely destroy my Niners this weekend. Please NFL Gods, have mercy.

1 (2) – Saints:
The Saints are winning games they never would have won before. And how cool was it to see Reggie Bush make one of his signature plays from his USC heyday by jumping a legitimate five yards for a touchdown?

Shameless plug:  If you made it this far, please share this blog with friends, family, or even people you don’t know or don’t like. Thanks!

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Week Eight NFL Power Rankings: The Saints Go Marching On

Another week down and another crazy shake-up in the rankings. The Bears and 49ers faced reality checks, and I finally gave the Bengals the ounce of credibility they deserve. Due to midterms, I’m keeping the intro short and sweet this week.

Raiders Draft Football

Get used to that seat, JaMarcus. You'll be keeping it warm for a while.

On to the rankings.

32 (32) – Rams:
Poor, poor Steven Jackson. 143 rushing attempts on the season and still no touchdowns. Somebody give this man a hug.

31 (31) – Buccaneers:
Tampa Bay can now say they suck in two countries, which is probably more exciting than watching Josh Johnson try to throw a football.

30 (29) – Browns:
In his five games since taking over for the disgraced Brady Quinn, Derek Anderson has posted QB ratings of 30.9, 68.8, 15.1, 51.0, and 36.4. With a completion percentage of 44. Did Quinn beat up the GM? What does he have to do to get back on the field?

29 (27) – Chiefs:
On the bright side, that was an amazing touchdown catch by Dwayne Bowe. Unfortunately, it was their only one.

28 (25) – Raiders:
Andre Ware, Akili Smith, Ryan Leaf, Rick Mirer, Cade McNown, Jim Drunkenmiller, Todd Marinovich, Joey Harrington, David Carr, JaMarcus Russell. Not a good list to be on.

27 (29) – Titans:
Best PR move of the week goes to Jeff Fischer wearing a Peyton Manning jersey to a charity event: “I just want to feel like a winner.” Classic.

26 (28) – Lions:
Cancel your plans and clear your schedules for this Sunday. You don’t want to pick up the in-laws from the airport anyway. Why? St. Louis comes to town. I can barely wait.

25 (22) – Panthers:
Jake Delhomme’s three interception performance on Sunday actually raised his QB rating for the year. Sad. Hey John Fox, Delhomme sucks, your backups are worse, and you have two of the best running backs in the NFL, don’t you think it’s time to try the wildcat? There couldn’t be a better situation.

24 (26) – Redskins:
“I had to go to the senior center and cancel my bingo calling,” said the 67-year-old Sherm Lewis, who last worked in the NFL with the Detroit Lions during the 2004 season. “And I had to cancel my Meals on Wheels today.” This team is a joke. Need I say more?

23 (23) – Seahawks:
Has there been a team more decimated by injuries in any sports the last two years? Other than the New York Mets this year, I can’t think of any. Brutal. I actually kind of feel bad for them, except for when they play the Niners.

22 (24) – Bills:
Did you know Ryan Fitzpatrick has won his last five starts? Me either. Unfortunately, I don’t think that stat alone is going to make Terrell Owens feel any better. Oh well, T.O. is probably working on his next reality show anyway.

21 (21) – Jaguars:
Jacksonville plays the Titans and Chiefs in the next two weeks, teams with a combined 1-12 record. Can you imagine the Jaguars as a 5-3 team? Even if it happened, it would just be a façade because four of their five wins would be against teams with a combined one win (Rams, Chiefs, Titans twice).

20 (20) – Dolphins:
If you’re going to blow a 24-3 lead at home, it might as well be to the Saints. In fantasy news, is it time to take Ricky Williams seriously as a legitimate starting running back? I think it might be.

19 (11) – Bears:
ESPN seriously can’t find somebody better than Jeffri Chadiha to do their NFL Power Rankings. Here’s his weekly gem: “The Bears are 1-3 on the road this season. That doesn’t bode well for their future.” I appreciate all the hard work and analysis you put into that one, buddy.

18 (10) – 49ers:
You know things are bad in San Francisco when Mike Singletary turns to Alex Smith to be the savior. At least Vernon Davis and Michael Crabtree are fun to watch.

17 (19) – Jets:
ESPN’s Michael Clayton: “Mark Sanchez showed great hot-dog security in not fumbling the dog he ate in the second half of the win over the Raiders on Sunday.” Take it down a notch, cowboy, you’re trying too hard.

16 (18) – Texans:
Gun to your head, who has the most passing yards and TDs in the NFL? 99% of people would guess Peyton Manning. And 99% of people would be wrong. The answer? Matt Schaub.

15 (13) – Chargers:
San Diego’s wins are against Oakland, Miami and Kansas City. Their losses are against Baltimore, Pittsburgh and Denver. Just beat one good team and I’ll believe in you, that’s not too much to ask for, right?

14 (17) – Cowboys:
Miles Austin, the undrafted wide received out of Monmouth, is the sole reason the Cowboys have a winning record. He already has almost double the entire yardage from the first three years of his career. Not too shabby.

13 (16) – Cardinals:
Arizona plays Carolina, Chicago, Seattle, St. Louis and Tennessee in the next five weeks. There’s a legitimate chance the Cards could be 9-2 heading into a crucial week 13 matchup against Minnesota.

12 (9) – Falcons:
Hey Matthew Berry, Michael Turner’s looking pretty good, huh? He’s currently ranked 11th behind Ricky Williams, and even Fred Jackson has over 150 more total yards.

11 (14) – Packers:
Green Bay went an entire game without giving up a sack. Definitely good news, but it would be a little more convincing if they weren’t playing the Lions.

10 (12) – Eagles:
Philadelphia actually got outgained by the Redskins. Good thing Andy Reid bought the Costco pack of Butterfingers so he could afford to give one to Antwaan Randle El.

9 (9) – Ravens:
In contrast with recent history, Baltimore has the third highest scoring offense in the AFC and sixth in the NFL, thanks to the emergences of Joe Flacco and Ray Rice. But Denver will provide a huge test this week. A loss would put them at 3-4, with two games still looming against Pittsburgh.

8 (15) – Bengals:
Ok, a 35-point blowout of a playoff-caliber team does a little bit to convince me that Cincinnati is for real.  I still can’t believe Cedric Benson is the NFL’s leading rusher.

7 (6) – Giants:
I’ve been waiting all season to say this: Hey Eli Manning, never go full retard.

I have unhealthy man love for Drew Brees. 6 (7) – Steelers:
That Lamar Woodley fumble recovery was eerily reminiscent to the one a few years ago against the Colts in the playoffs.

5 (5) – Patriots:

I really want to believe the 2007 Patriots are back, but until they do it to a team with a win, I can’t believe it. At Indy in two weeks will be a telling game.
4 (5) – Broncos:
If Denver beats Baltimore this Sunday, you can just go ahead and give him the Coach of the Year Award on the field after the game.

3 (1) – Vikings:
Brett Favre looked a lot more like the Brett Favre of recent memory than the one from the first six games this season. Maybe he forgot he has the best running back in the NFL in his backfield. Speaking of Adrian Peterson, that was one of the best hits I have seen this season.

2 (3) – Colts:
I’m scared that the Colts are going to absolutely destroy my Niners this weekend. Please NFL Gods, have mercy.

1 (2) – Saints:
The Saints are winning games they never would have won before. And how cool was it to see Reggie Bush make one of his signature plays from his USC heyday by jumping a legitimate five yards for a touchdown?

Shameless plug:  If you made it this far, please share this blog with friends, family, or even people you don’t know or don’t like. Thanks!

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NFL Power Rankings Week Seven: Vikings Ride Brett Favre Mojo

This was one of the worst sports weekends of my life. The Oregon Ducks had the week off, the 49ers were on a bye, the A’s are long gone, and it’s still preseason for the Warriors and the Sharks (wait, we’re two weeks into the NHL regular season already? I had no idea).

Thinks the Chiefs are regretting that Jared Allen trade now? Hell, they probably regretted it the moment they made it.

Thinks the Chiefs are regretting that Jared Allen trade now? Hell, they probably regretted it the moment they made it.

Without the privilege of watching my beloved Ducks on Saturday, I was forced to watch something only one step below water boarding on the torture scale—Big Ten football. Iowa-Wisconsin, Ohio State-Purdue, Penn State-Minnesota? Gross. And by the way, what’s Michigan doing playing an FCS team in Week Seven?

It was so bad I chose to write my four-page philosophy essay instead. The only reason I retained my sanity through the weekend was the NFL Red Zone channel.

But all will be made up for next weekend, when I travel to Seattle for the first time to support the Ducks in Husky Stadium. Who cares if my seats are in Lake Washington.

On to the rankings.
32 (32) – Rams:

Somebody please tell me why the Red Zone channel kept flashing back to this game during the last few minutes of the Ravens-Vikings game? Really. Did anybody outside of St. Louis or Jacksonville care? Hell, did anybody in St. Louis or Jacksonville care?

31 (30) – Buccaneers:

Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, they lose to Jake Delhomme’s Carolina Panthers. At home. The only bright spot was Cadillac Williams’ performance, because now my roommate can shut up about him being the reason why his fantasy football team is 1-5.  Your QB is Mark Sanchez! Cadillac isn’t the problem.

30 (25) – Titans:

This team couldn’t find an identity—until this week. They are now officially the best worst team in the AFC. And after witnessing Derek Anderson’s appallingly dreadful performance last week, Kerry Collins had to one-up him. He threw for negative seven yards in 12 attempts. Seriously. How bad can Vince Young be?

29 (27) – Browns:

Just so you get a sense of how truly pathetic Cleveland is, their top performer, according to the Yahoo! Sports box score, was fullback Lawrence Vickers, who had one touch for one yard.

28 (26) – Lions:

Scrappiness can only take you so far when you have almost zero talent. Jim Schwartz is a good coach, but can you really expect them to score even once when their QBs are Dante Culpepper and Mike Stanton and their number one wide out is Dennis Northcutt?

27 (28) – Chiefs:

That’s an odd way to score 14 points. Four field goals and a safety.

26 (24) – Redskins:

Washington has faced a winless team in every single game so far and they are still 2-4. If that doesn’t deserve firing, then I don’t know what does.

25 (31) – Raiders:

This could be the biggest upset in the history of survival football. Servers are still crashing as we speak.

24 (28) – Bills:

You force seven turnovers and still need overtime to score 16 points? Something tells me the Jets lost this game more than Buffalo won it.

23 (19) – Seahawks:

Fourteen total rushing yards. 0-11 on third down. Five sacks allowed. Seventeen minutes of possession. Talk about a bad football team. The bye week couldn’t come at a better time.

22 (23) – Panthers:

Why wouldn’t teams stack nine in the box? Jake Delhomme now has thrown 14 interceptions in his last six games and has a 56.8 QB rating for the season.

21 (22) – Jaguars:

The Jags were 11-16 on third down, outgained the Rams by 230 yards, and had only three penalties for 15 yards, yet still needed overtime to beat the least talented team in the NFL. How does that happen?

20 (17) – Dolphins:

The home team coming off of a bye week theory gets a big test this weekend when the Saints come to town. Not buying it.

19 (11) – Jets:

Congratulations to Mark Sanchez for becoming the first two-time winner of the weekly Simple Jack Award. Hey Mark, never go full retard.

18 (21) – Texans:

Houston made the Bengals look like, well, the Bengals. Matt Schaub has become a fantasy must-start every week.

17 (18) – Cowboys:

The epitome of mediocrity. 3-0 versus losing teams and 0-2 versus winners. Fantasy note: I am never drafting Roy Williams again.

16 (20) – Cardinals:

What is Arizona going to do when they play a team that takes away the pass? Beanie Wells and Tim Hightower are getting it done less than my food situation at home. I’ve been living off of Power Bars and instant oatmeal packets for two weeks. College.

15 (10) – Bengals:

This is what Jeffri Chadiha had to say about Cincinnati in ESPN’s power rankings this week: “Matt Schaub shredded them in their loss to Houston.” Thanks for all the hard work and insight you put into that one, Jeffri.

14 (16) – Packers:

And if his analysis of the Bengals wasn’t enough, Chadiha had this to say about Green Bay: “They still haven’t found a way to protect QB Aaron Rodgers.” ESPN, you seriously can’t find anyone better than this guy?

13 (15) – Chargers:

I hate fantasy football. Losing by three coming into Monday Night’s game, I owned Eddie Royal and Darren Sproles. Thanks to the amazing score settings in my lone remaining undefeated league, I received a total of 1.40 points from the duo, despite a combined three return touchdowns. Is there any activity more popular than fantasy football that causes so many complaints?

12 (6) – Eagles:

Is there anything more embarrassing for a head coach than losing to JaMarcus Russell? I can’t think of anything.

11 (13) – Bears:

Another gem from Chadiha: “Red zone problems killed them in a loss to Atlanta.” My freakin’ 11-year-old brother could have told me that.

10 (12) – 49ers:

Michael Crabtree is starting!! Michael Crabtree is starting!! Michael Crabtree is starting!! Michael Crabtree is starting!! Michael Crabtree is starting!! Yeah, I’m kinda excited.

9 (9) – Ravens:

Baltimore almost completed the greatest comeback of the season. Too bad almost counts for diddly squat. We almost made the playoffs. I almost won the lottery. They almost successfully completed your kidney transplant. You get the idea. Almost isn’t good.

8 (8) – Falcons:

Atlanta and New Orleans could be the most exciting division race this season. Their Week Eight will tell us a lot.

7 (14) – Steelers:

Big Ben is back, thanks to the re-emergence of one of the toughest football players in the NFL: Hines Ward. Man, does he play football the right way.

6 (4) – Giants:

The Saints stomped Eli Manning and the Giants so badly, that New Orleans even let Mark Brunell onto the field. Yes, that Mark Brunell. The one who hasn’t attempted a pass since 2006, and is making just under $5 million this season. Seriously.

5 (7) – Patriots:

This game looked eerily reminiscent of 2007. Have Tom Brady and the boys finally got their mojo back? We won’t find out until they play Indy in Week Ten, but it will be fun to see how many points they can put up at Tampa Bay on Sunday. Is 60 out of the question?

4 (5) – Broncos:

Josh McDaniels for Coach of the Year. That is all.

3 (3) – Colts:

I don’t have anything new to say because of the bye, so I’ll just repeat what I said last week:

The only thing better than Peyton Manning is this article from CNN. For all guys past puberty, Christmas just came early. This could transform college campuses, save marriages, and possibly bring world peace. Seriously, guys, you want to read this.

2 (2) – Saints:

Drew Brees passed for 369 yards and four touchdowns and I was still outscored by my opponent’s QB. I would be mad if I didn’t have such crazy man-love for Tom Brady.

1 (1) – Vikings:

I think someone brainwashed Brett Favre into thinking it’s 2001. He cannot possibly still be this good. So far, this is statistically the best season of his career. Wow.

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NFL Power Rankings Week Seven: Vikings Ride Brett Favre Mojo

This was one of the worst sports weekends of my life. The Oregon Ducks had the week off, the 49ers were on a bye, the A’s are long gone, and it’s still preseason for the Warriors and the Sharks (wait, we’re two weeks into the NHL regular season already? I had no idea).

Thinks the Chiefs are regretting that Jared Allen trade now? Hell, they probably regretted it the moment they made it.

Thinks the Chiefs are regretting that Jared Allen trade now? Hell, they probably regretted it the moment they made it.

Without the privilege of watching my beloved Ducks on Saturday, I was forced to watch something only one step below water boarding on the torture scale—Big Ten football. Iowa-Wisconsin, Ohio State-Purdue, Penn State-Minnesota? Gross. And by the way, what’s Michigan doing playing an FCS team in Week Seven?

It was so bad I chose to write my four-page philosophy essay instead. The only reason I retained my sanity through the weekend was the NFL Red Zone channel.

But all will be made up for next weekend, when I travel to Seattle for the first time to support the Ducks in Husky Stadium. Who cares if my seats are in Lake Washington.

On to the rankings.
32 (32) – Rams:

Somebody please tell me why the Red Zone channel kept flashing back to this game during the last few minutes of the Ravens-Vikings game? Really. Did anybody outside of St. Louis or Jacksonville care? Hell, did anybody in St. Louis or Jacksonville care?

31 (30) – Buccaneers:

Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, they lose to Jake Delhomme’s Carolina Panthers. At home. The only bright spot was Cadillac Williams’ performance, because now my roommate can shut up about him being the reason why his fantasy football team is 1-5.  Your QB is Mark Sanchez! Cadillac isn’t the problem.

30 (25) – Titans:

This team couldn’t find an identity—until this week. They are now officially the best worst team in the AFC. And after witnessing Derek Anderson’s appallingly dreadful performance last week, Kerry Collins had to one-up him. He threw for negative seven yards in 12 attempts. Seriously. How bad can Vince Young be?

29 (27) – Browns:

Just so you get a sense of how truly pathetic Cleveland is, their top performer, according to the Yahoo! Sports box score, was fullback Lawrence Vickers, who had one touch for one yard.

28 (26) – Lions:

Scrappiness can only take you so far when you have almost zero talent. Jim Schwartz is a good coach, but can you really expect them to score even once when their QBs are Dante Culpepper and Mike Stanton and their number one wide out is Dennis Northcutt?

27 (28) – Chiefs:

That’s an odd way to score 14 points. Four field goals and a safety.

26 (24) – Redskins:

Washington has faced a winless team in every single game so far and they are still 2-4. If that doesn’t deserve firing, then I don’t know what does.

25 (31) – Raiders:

This could be the biggest upset in the history of survival football. Servers are still crashing as we speak.

24 (28) – Bills:

You force seven turnovers and still need overtime to score 16 points? Something tells me the Jets lost this game more than Buffalo won it.

23 (19) – Seahawks:

Fourteen total rushing yards. 0-11 on third down. Five sacks allowed. Seventeen minutes of possession. Talk about a bad football team. The bye week couldn’t come at a better time.

22 (23) – Panthers:

Why wouldn’t teams stack nine in the box? Jake Delhomme now has thrown 14 interceptions in his last six games and has a 56.8 QB rating for the season.

21 (22) – Jaguars:

The Jags were 11-16 on third down, outgained the Rams by 230 yards, and had only three penalties for 15 yards, yet still needed overtime to beat the least talented team in the NFL. How does that happen?

20 (17) – Dolphins:

The home team coming off of a bye week theory gets a big test this weekend when the Saints come to town. Not buying it.

19 (11) – Jets:

Congratulations to Mark Sanchez for becoming the first two-time winner of the weekly Simple Jack Award. Hey Mark, never go full retard.

18 (21) – Texans:

Houston made the Bengals look like, well, the Bengals. Matt Schaub has become a fantasy must-start every week.

17 (18) – Cowboys:

The epitome of mediocrity. 3-0 versus losing teams and 0-2 versus winners. Fantasy note: I am never drafting Roy Williams again.

16 (20) – Cardinals:

What is Arizona going to do when they play a team that takes away the pass? Beanie Wells and Tim Hightower are getting it done less than my food situation at home. I’ve been living off of Power Bars and instant oatmeal packets for two weeks. College.

15 (10) – Bengals:

This is what Jeffri Chadiha had to say about Cincinnati in ESPN’s power rankings this week: “Matt Schaub shredded them in their loss to Houston.” Thanks for all the hard work and insight you put into that one, Jeffri.

14 (16) – Packers:

And if his analysis of the Bengals wasn’t enough, Chadiha had this to say about Green Bay: “They still haven’t found a way to protect QB Aaron Rodgers.” ESPN, you seriously can’t find anyone better than this guy?

13 (15) – Chargers:

I hate fantasy football. Losing by three coming into Monday Night’s game, I owned Eddie Royal and Darren Sproles. Thanks to the amazing score settings in my lone remaining undefeated league, I received a total of 1.40 points from the duo, despite a combined three return touchdowns. Is there any activity more popular than fantasy football that causes so many complaints?

12 (6) – Eagles:

Is there anything more embarrassing for a head coach than losing to JaMarcus Russell? I can’t think of anything.

11 (13) – Bears:

Another gem from Chadiha: “Red zone problems killed them in a loss to Atlanta.” My freakin’ 11-year-old brother could have told me that.

10 (12) – 49ers:

Michael Crabtree is starting!! Michael Crabtree is starting!! Michael Crabtree is starting!! Michael Crabtree is starting!! Michael Crabtree is starting!! Yeah, I’m kinda excited.

9 (9) – Ravens:

Baltimore almost completed the greatest comeback of the season. Too bad almost counts for diddly squat. We almost made the playoffs. I almost won the lottery. They almost successfully completed your kidney transplant. You get the idea. Almost isn’t good.

8 (8) – Falcons:

Atlanta and New Orleans could be the most exciting division race this season. Their Week Eight will tell us a lot.

7 (14) – Steelers:

Big Ben is back, thanks to the re-emergence of one of the toughest football players in the NFL: Hines Ward. Man, does he play football the right way.

6 (4) – Giants:

The Saints stomped Eli Manning and the Giants so badly, that New Orleans even let Mark Brunell onto the field. Yes, that Mark Brunell. The one who hasn’t attempted a pass since 2006, and is making just under $5 million this season. Seriously.

5 (7) – Patriots:

This game looked eerily reminiscent of 2007. Have Tom Brady and the boys finally got their mojo back? We won’t find out until they play Indy in Week Ten, but it will be fun to see how many points they can put up at Tampa Bay on Sunday. Is 60 out of the question?

4 (5) – Broncos:

Josh McDaniels for Coach of the Year. That is all.

3 (3) – Colts:

I don’t have anything new to say because of the bye, so I’ll just repeat what I said last week:

The only thing better than Peyton Manning is this article from CNN. For all guys past puberty, Christmas just came early. This could transform college campuses, save marriages, and possibly bring world peace. Seriously, guys, you want to read this.

2 (2) – Saints:

Drew Brees passed for 369 yards and four touchdowns and I was still outscored by my opponent’s QB. I would be mad if I didn’t have such crazy man-love for Tom Brady.

1 (1) – Vikings:

I think someone brainwashed Brett Favre into thinking it’s 2001. He cannot possibly still be this good. So far, this is statistically the best season of his career. Wow.

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NFL Power Rankings Week 5: Brett Favre Edition

I wonder what’s sorer right now: Brett Favre’s almost 40-year-old right arm, from throwing all over the Packers defense, or his nuts, from getting sucked on by every commentator in the history of football, especially Mike Tirico, Jon Gruden, and Ron Jaworski last night. The love fest was sickening.

The man love for Favre last night was palpable.

The man love for Favre last night was palpable.

From how the Monday Night Football announcers called every single play, it was as if Favre just parted the Red Sea. Actually, to those guys, Moses doesn’t have anything on Brett Favre.

For those of you who aren’t social media friendly, I highly recommend getting a Twitter account, just so you can follow all of the Favre bashing its millions of users are simultaneously tweeting. Here are some of the best from last night:

“Flag for playing defense against Brett Favre.”

“For his next trick, Brett Favre will cure cancer, heal the sick, and give sight to the blind.”

“If you’re just tuning in—Brett Favre is playing very well for having three middle-aged men sucking him off at once.”

“Judging from the radio, Favre is going to find Boomer Esiason waiting in his hot tub with a bottle of wine after the game”

“BREAKING NEWS: In place of ESPN’s 30 for 30 series, there will just be 30 documentaries on how great Brett Favre is.”

“Favre had time to retire and unretire three more times while in the pocket on that play.”

“When anyone but Brett Favre throws a ball eight yards on 3rd-and-13, it’s the worst crime a QB could commit. When Favre does it, it’s genius.”

“Honestly, it’s like Tirico, Gruden, and Jaws are David Letterman and Brett Favre is a ‘Late Show’ intern.”

“Have to turn channel—three-and-a-half hours of Favre worship is all I can handle.”

You get the idea. On to the rankings.

32 (32): Rams

Kyle Boller’s QB ratings by season: 62.4, 70.9, 71.8, 104 (in 55 attempts), 75.2, 63.2. Yeah, he’s the guy that’s gonna turn the franchise around.

31 (28): Raiders

This just in: I think JaMarcus Russell just overthrew another receiver. In other news, Oakland hasn’t scored a touchdown in two weeks.

30 (31): Browns

Hey Rich Gannon, you know overtime is sudden death, right?

29 (29): Buccaneers

Raheem Morris is still young enough to play Madden with his buddies, right? Well, I hope he doesn’t play with his Bucs because he’ll find out that his starting quarterback in real life is rated a 57. Not a good sign.

28 (30): Chiefs

Matt Cassel: Your garbage time all-star of the week! After throwing for 57 yards in the first three quarters, Cassel decided it was time to step up and save his stat line by throwing two touchdowns in the fourth quarter. Sadly, he still finished with 127 yards and a completion percentage of 47. Way to earn your paycheck, buddy.

27 (27): Lions

Detroit gave up 48 points despite allowing only 276 yards. That has to be some kind of record. But on the bright side, you just talked Matt Forte fantasy owners down off the ledge. That’s gotta count for something.

26 (26): Panthers

This might be the only time I say this all season: Jake Delhomme didn’t throw an interception this week! Don’t worry though, Jake—you’ll make up for it this week.

25 (22): Bills

Randy McMichael, Greg Camarillo, and even teammates Fred Jackson, Josh Reed, and Derek Schourman all have more catches this year than Terrell Owens. Hey T.O., how are you liking Buffalo?

24 (24): Redskins

I’m not sure which is more embarrassing: needing a second-half comeback to beat the Bucs at home, or the possibility of losing back-to-back games against the winless Panthers and Chiefs.

23 (18): Titans

“There’s an old saying in Tennessee—I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee—that says, fool me once, shame on—shame on you. Fool me—you can’t get fooled again.” Now I finally understand what George Bush was trying to say.

22 (23): Seahawks

Seattle’s O-line is hurting more than Lindsey Lohan when she tries to think.

21 (25): Dolphins

If only they could play the Bills every week. Their next four games are the Jets, Saints, Jets again, and the Patriots. Think they might put some pressure on Chad Henne? Yeah, me too.

20 (20): Cardinals

After having Kurt Warner, Larry Fitzgerald, Anquan Boldin, Steve Breaston, and Tim Hightower all on one fantasy team last season (yes, I won the league), boy, am I glad I didn’t buy into Arizona this season.

19 (19): Texans

Their defense really isn’t that good, and the Raiders are horrible, but to hold Oakland to six points and 165 yards is pretty good. Even better? Oakland’s top performer, according to the Yahoo! box score, was Darrius Heyward-Bey—with one catch for 18 yards.

18 (21): Jaguars

I played a fantasy team this weekend with David Garrard and Mike Sims-Walker. Thank you, Tennessee, for turning an easy win into my first loss of the season.

17 (15): Cowboys

Their defense made Kyle Orton actually look good. ‘Nuff said.

16 (17): Bengals

If I hear one more time that they’re one play away from being undefeated, I’m going to explode. This team is not that good. Let’s see how they do in Baltimore next week.

15 (10): Packers

Lost in all the man-love for Brett Favre, Aaron Rodgers had a fantastic night despite a horrid O-line. I’m pretty sure he knows by now what Jared Allen ate for dinner last night.

14 (8): Chargers

Hey San Diego, it was nice of you to show up in the second half. I didn’t think you were gonna make it.

13 (13): Steelers

Dear Pittsburgh secondary, thank you for allowing Philip Rivers and Antonio Gates to lead the most improbable comeback in fantasy football history. Sincerely, I Love Lamp, 4-0.

12 (14): Bears

Biggest fantasy goat of the week: Chicago wide receivers. They put up 48 points, and not a single player had more than 32 yards.

11 (11): Falcons

Huge test this weekend in San Francisco. This trip to the Bay Area should be a little harder than last year, when they played the Raiders.

10 (9): Eagles

Why sign Michael Vick and deal with all that media backlash if you aren’t even going to use him? They had the perfect opportunity when Donovan McNabb was out. With Donovan returning soon, at least Vick will have more time to devote to his PETA spokesman duties.


9 (16): Broncos

I wanted to see Denver break the top 10 this week before they lose every game until nine. New England, San Diego, Baltimore, and Pittsburgh. If they even go 2-2 during that stretch, they’re for real.

8 (12): 49ers

I don’t know if it’s because I like Mike Singletary, I picked up the San Francisco D/ST and Vernon Davis last week, or because I am a Niners fan, but I love this team. I expect at least 10 wins and a playoff win this season. Is that too much to ask?

7 (7): Jets

Hey Mark Sanchez, never go full retard.

6 (1): Ravens

That stop at No. 1 didn’t last very long. That being said, I expect them to bounce back and win that division by at least three games.

5 (4): Giants

Good news, fellow Eli Manning haters. Plantar fasciitis plus cold weather will make for a tough month for the spoiled younger Manning brother.

4 (6): Colts

In other Manning news, Peyton is quietly solidifying himself as the early favorite for MVP.

3 (5): Patriots

Give Tom Brady time in the pocket, and he’ll make you pay. With his receivers getting healthy and chemistry forming on defense, New England will once again be in the mix come January.

2 (3): Saints

Drew Brees, you’re killing me. No touchdowns in two straight games? But what’s bad for my fantasy teams is scarier for the rest of the NFL. The Saints are winning with defense and the running game.

1 (2): Vikings

If I hear about how much fun Brett Favre is having one more time, I’m going to stab somebody with an ice pick. Seriously, we get it. Brett Favre is the best football player in the history of the NFL. Now can ESPN move on to more important things, like the WNBA finals? Wait, those are over already? I had no idea.

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NFL Power Rankings (continued)

With the NFL season starting tonight, I figured it might be a good idea to finish off my rankings before the season gets underway.

21 – Bills – Firing the offensive coordinator before the first game of the season usually isn’t a good sign. Figure in a three game suspension for Marshawn “Beast Mode” Lynch and the potential for a T.O. blow-up, things could get ugly in Buffalo (and Toronto).

Prediction: 7-9.

Wait a second, that's not Marshawn Lynch!

Wait a second, that's not Marshawn Lynch!

Fantasy player to watch – Lee Evans – Has been a number two WR trapped in a number one WR’s body. With the addition of T.O., the deep threat should see a lot more single coverage.

20 – Broncos – The Raiders, Chiefs and Broncos all can’t go 4-12. It would be a statistical phenomenon. That’s why, despite the awful Jay Cutler fiasco this off-season, I’m buying Belicheck-disciple Josh McDaniel to put together a high-flying offense in the Mile High city. A five-game stretch against Dallas, New England, San Diego, Baltimore and Pittsburgh could be their undoing.

Prediction: 7-9.

Fantasy player to watch – Knowshon Moreno – Every year there is a rookie RB who goes nuts. The former Georgia Bulldog couldn’t have landed in a better spot than Denver, where anybody can rush 1,000 yards.

19 – Texans – The Texans are the Tampa Bay Rays of the NFL. Loaded with athletes and top picks, but just can’t put it together. This year will be no different, as Brian Cushing won’t be able to stop the run all by himself.

Prediction: 7-9.

Fantasy player to watch – Matt Schaub – Has always put up great numbers when he’s been healthy, is this the year he finally stays on the field for 16 games?

18 – Redskins – Love the defense. Love the addition of Albert Haynesworth. Love Clinton Portis as a fantasy sleeper. Don’t love the division. Put them in the NFC West and they’re 10-6, but that could be said about a lot of teams.

Prediction: 8-8.

Fantasy player to watch – Clinton Portis – He’s one of those guys who drops in drafts because you know what you’re getting with him – even though it’s 1,500 yards and 10 TD’s a year.

17 – 49ers – Can’t justifiably have them any higher than this. Love what Singletary is doing in San Francisco, but at least until Crabtree signs, the offense is too one-dimensional.

Prediction: 8-8.

Fantasy player to watch – Josh Morgan –Showed flashes of brilliance in his rookie year. With a more stabilized situation at QB, Morgan will emerge as Hill’s favorite deep threat.

16 – Panthers – If you watched any of Jake Delhomme’s spectacularly bad, five INT performance in the playoffs last season, you can’t take Carolina seriously.  How far can the running game carry them?

Prediction: 8-8.

Fantasy player to watch – Jonathon Stewart – Have to give love to my former Ducks. J-stew was awesome last year in a limited role, look for a more equal timeshare with Williams this season.

15 – Packers – It all depends on how well the defense adjusts to the new 3-4 scheme; the offense will be there. If the Packers can contain the run, there’s a good chance playoff football will return to Lambeau field.

Prediction: 8-8.

Fantasy player to watch – Aaron Rodgers – I don’t know how many people realize he threw for over 4,000 yards and had a 28:13 TD/INT ratio. Pretty good for a first full season.

14 – Saints – Is there a more fun team to watch than the Saints? Drew Brees makes the NFL look like a video game. Unfortunately, so does their D. Maybe Malcom Jenkins is the answer.

Prediction: 9-7.

Fantasy player to watch – Marques Colston – The favorite target of a quarterback who will throw for 4,500+ yards? Sign me up.

13 – Ravens – How will they handle the departures of Rex Ryan and Bart Scott on defense? Lewis, Suggs, Reed and Ngata still make up a pretty formidable nucleus. Joe Flacco needs to build on solid rookie campaign for the team to make the playoffs.

Prediction: 9-7.

Fantasy player to watch – Ray Rice – The Ravens have always been a run-first team and it looks like Rice will get the majority of the workload. 75% of fantasy success is opportunity.

12 – Cardinals – Still the best team in the NFC West, but that isn’t saying much. Card fans must pray for Warner to stay healthy, because they won’t go anywhere without him.

Prediction: 9-7.

Fantasy player to watch – Anquan Boldin – Gets overlooked because he plays next to the best WR in football, but any player who breaks his face and then grabs nine passes and two scores two weeks later is an absolute beast.

11 – Bears – Cutler is the first legit QB in the Windy City since Jim McMahon. Too bad Cutler’s best WR was a DB two years ago. Could be a frustrating year with expectations so high.

Prediction: 9-7.

Fantasy player to watch – Greg Olsen – I have an uncanny obsession with Miami Tight Ends.

10 – Cowboys – Maybe getting rid of T.O. is just what Dallas needs to get back to the playoffs. Must hope Roy Williams can revert to his 2007 form with the Lions. Never a good thing, though, to be counting on former Lions.

Prediction: 9-7.

Fantasy player to watch: Roy Williams – Severely underrated after difficult time adjusting following the trade.

9 – Giants – Loss of Plax makes Eli Manning a below-average quarterback. Concerns on defense and one-dimensional offense will keep the Giants from returning to the promise land this season.

Prediction: 9-7.

Fantasy player to watch: Ahmad Bradshaw – The Giants will have to run to be successful this year; Bradshaw slides into the spot Derrick Ward had last year as lightning to Jacobs’ thunder.

8 – Falcons – I learned my lesson last year after doubting Matt Ryan. He is for real. Emergence of Roddy White and the Tony Gonzalez acquisition only make Ryan more dangerous.

Prediction: 9-7.

Fantasy player to watch: Tony Gonzalez – Will be amped up now that he’s finally on a contender again. Amazing what a winning environment can do for a player.

7 – Eagles – Top 3 defense will miss the late Jim Johnson. With the workload Westbrook handles each year, you have to wonder when he will break down. But until then, the offense will have plenty of firepower.

Prediction: 10-6.

Fantasy player to watch: DeSean Jackson – McNabb will throw plenty, and Jackson has become his favorite target. Must rid stupid me-first attitude.

6 – Colts – Huge hole left by the sudden departure of Tony Dungy. Coach-on-the-field Peyton Manning will be more important than ever this season. O-line needs to step up big time.

Prediction: 10-6.

Fantasy player to watch: Anthony Gonzalez – Increased role in the offense and third year in the league will lead to a breakout season.

5 – Titans – It’s amazing what laying off the Tequila will do for you. If career fizzles out in the NFL, Lendale White will have one waiting for him in the weight loss industry.

Prediction: 10-6

Fantasy player to watch: Nate Washington – Quietly was very solid for the Steelers, now number one WR in Tennessee.

4 – Vikings – Despite my hatred for Brett Favre, the combination of AD (I’m on your side Oklahoma) and the defense make this team a sleeper Super Bowl contender.

Prediction: 11-5.

Fantasy player to watch: Bernard Berrian – Berrian is a deep threat. Favre loves to throw deep. With defenses needing to stack eight in the box, this is a match made in heaven.

3 – Chargers – Yes, I know what happened the last time the Chargers had this much hype, but with so much talent and their division so weak, they can go 10-6 without breaking a sweat. I think they do better.

Prediction: 12-4.

Fantasy player to watch: Vincent Jackson – With LT getting old and Rivers coming into his own, the Chargers have shifted their focus to the passing game.

2 – Steelers – Probably should be number one but my man crush on Tom Brady is too big.

Prediction: 13-3

Fantasy player to watch: Willie Parker – Has been so overrated that he is now underrated. Mendenhall will not steal his touches.

Yes, this is the best player in the NFL.

Yes, this is the best player in the NFL.

1 – Patriots – It’s almost unfair how veterans in their twilight years go to New England on the cheap. Oh and that Brady guy is back at full strength. I like their chances.

Prediction: 14-2.

Fantasy player to watch: Wes Welker – How do you not love a 5-8 white WR? With Brady back, you can count on 100 receptions.

The Anti-man Crushes, People the Sports Dude Hates

First, let me say, I wasn’t going to write this blog until Tuesday, but for the sake of my girlfriend’s sanity and the future of our relationship, I needed to get out my snide comments and sarcastic witticisms before I do any more irreversible damage. Let’s just say she was not amused when I called her a “borderline midget” even though she is 5’2” and a whole one-third of a foot away from being a legal dwarf. I was clearly joking. Why she puts up with me, I have no clue. Let’s move on.

boston-sports-si-coversBrett Favre – According to ESPN, Brett Favre can do no wrong. He helps old ladies cross the street, adopts lost kittens from the pound, and if they had to venture a guess for who would find the cure for cancer, I’m pretty sure they would pick Brett Favre. Who cares if he’s only a mediocre NFL quarterback anymore? I mean, the man was just in a Super Bowl in 1997. Wait, that was 12 years ago, already? Somebody go get John Madden’s inhaler.

And then, of course, they would go on to force meaningless Brett Favre stories down our throats for the next week, making sure to get all their top analysts to line up and kiss Favre’s butt for 30 second clips. I can just picture Merrill Hoge, Ron Jaworski, Chris Mortenson and Trent Dilfer all sitting together in the make-up room, competing to see who has can squeeze the most superlatives into a 300-word speech. I set the over/under at 20, bet my life savings on the over, and then put my future children’s college education money on Jaws. It’s a stone cold lock.

Eli Manning – Continuing with overpaid, underperforming quarterbacks, I pose a simple question: where would Eli Manning be without his last name? A store manager at Sports Authority? The UFL? if he was lucky, a back-up quarterback in the NFL? Seriously, the dude was good college, but I never watched him and thought, “Man, this guy sure has what it takes to be a legit NFL quarterback.”

And then to force a trade so he could be in a major market? If that doesn’t scream douchebag, I don’t know what does. Anyone with an IQ over 75 could tell he would crumple under the pressure in New York. And I know there are some of you out there that will say, “how can he be overrated, he won a Super Bowl MVP.” It’s not that simple. First of all, he didn’t even play that well. 19 for 34 and a QB rating of 87.3 hardly screams MVP. Second, the pass that won him the award was complete luck and never should have left his hand. How he wasn’t sacked is beyond me. And if you re-did that jump ball match-up of Rodney Harrison and 18th-string wide receiver David Tyree 5 million times, do you see Tyree ever winning again? I don’t.

So let’s recap. He’s good in college, get’s drafted #1 overall because of the hope he will turn out to be half of what his brother is, sucks for four years, rides the best defensive line in the history of the NFL to a magical playoff run, receives the good fortune of the luckiest play in Super Bowl history, has his first decent season in his contract year but loses Plax and then instantly turns in four straight sub-200 yard games, dupes the Giants into one of the biggest (and worst) contracts in NFL history, and now will rely on Domenik Hixon and Hakeem Nicks as his top receivers this year. I am not bitter at all.

Steroids – The only thing I care less about than Brett Favre. The only players I would care about if they tested positive would be Jeter and Pujols, but until then, I’d rather watch highlights of the WNBA pre-season.

Boston fans – I used to like them, I really did. All the history, Fenway Park, Ted Williams, Larry Bird, Bill Russell. There was just something likeable about them. Maybe it was being able to empathize with a team who had encountered so much epically bad luck, or maybe it was how passionate Bostonians were about their sports no matter what happened year in and year out. But then 2004 hit and all hell broke loose. The curse was over, and Boston’s collective sports personality went from cynical to cocky after a routine Ruben Sierra ground out to Pokey Reese. There wasn’t even a need to play the Cardinals after that. The ensuing 4-game sweep was inevitable.

The one time lovable losers quickly forgot their storied past and took on a whole new identity, more annoying than those Guido, work out three hours a day, wear shirts one size too small, collar popping Mets fans from New Jersey. You could say the success got to their heads. The Patriots become the best team in the NFL, the Red Sox break the curse, and the Celtics are given the Big Three in an act of collusion between ESPN and David Stern. Hell, even the Bruins are a playoff team, Matt Ryan leads Boston College to a spectacular year, and Boston University has one of the greatest comebacks in the history of college hockey. The altogether success was mind-boggling.

But this is where it get’s annoying. That isn’t enough for them. Now they have to win every year. I came in contact with this first-hand this past year in the dorms at Oregon where I met Alon. We were talking baseball, one by one going through the Red Sox roster: Ellsbury, Pedroia, Youkilis, Bay, Ortiz, Lowell, Drew, Beckett, (Mo) Lester, Wakefield, the bullpen, etc. ESPN, SI, everybody has them pegged as a playoff team and a legitimate World Series candidate, yet Alon complains to me, knowing I am an A’s fan, “I don’t really like our team this year. We need a better second lefty out of the pen.” Wow.

The San Francisco Giants – It’s already 1:30 and I have to wake up in 6 hours. Unless I want to go to work tomorrow with bags under my eyes bigger than the size of Greg Anderson’s prison cell, I am going to save this for an entirely new post. Goodnight.